How to erase demonic en—clean your room


Ray Swidarski, Staff Reporter

       The Bed:

Step one: Straighten out the blanket.

Step two: Rearrange pillows and/or stuffed animals.

Step three: Leave “food” offerings to the monster under the bed.




Step one: Fold all of the clothes.

Step two: Place the clothing down gently into each drawer. Be sure to organize!

Step three: Be sure to close the drawers all the way.




Step one: Remove all objects on desk.

Step two: Wipe down the desk.

Step three: Carefully place each item back in a neat, tidy manner.



       Main Area:

Step one: Remove all small objects off the floor. Hold onto your talisman, you’ll need that later.

Step two: Grab your vacuum.

Step three: Start vacuuming the floor. When you finish, put the vacuum away.

Step four (optional): Rearrange furniture if needed.


Step six: Place the smaller items from before in a safe and secure place.

Step seven: DO NOT touch the pentagram!

Step eight (optional): Take a five-minute break.

Step nine: I SAID, DO NOT TOUCH THE PENT-you touched it.

Step ten: Way to go, genius. Now you’ve summoned a demon.

Step eleven: Surround the demon in salt.

Step twelve: Grab your talisman.

Step thirteen: Aim for the eyes.

Step fourteen: Throw it!

Step fifteen: Banish the demon back to where it came from.

Step sixteen: Clean up the remains.

Step seventeen: Get rid of the pentagram.

Step eighteen: Remove any traces of the demonic presence.



       The Closet:

Step one: Hang up your clothes.

Step two: Ignore the mysterious door.

Step three: Exit the closet.

Step four: …

Step five: User? Are you still there?

       Are you done?